BIG-ASS BIRTHDAY COOKIES

and one year of sweet teeth!!!

SWEET TEETH

i have a big-ass mouth but my bite looks small on this even bigger-ass cookie

Perhaps it is corny to celebrate, but today is sweet teeth’s first birthday!

A year ago, I decided I couldn’t bear to try and figure out how the fuck to maintain my own recipe website (what skill I have in the kitchen is diametrically opposed to my technological ability), and logged into Substack for the first time. Back then, I don’t think I could’ve imagined how much I would’ve grown to love the community I’ve found here.

The time I used to spend tumbling down the rabbit holes of Instagram, TikTok, and Twitter is now predominantly taken up by reading the work so many brilliant people are publishing on this platform. Very rarely does a day go by when I don’t stumble across a recipe or essay concept that makes me wish I thought of it first. It has also been such a joy getting to know some of these writers, not only through their craft but by having the privilege of becoming friends.

The main thing, though, that has made my first year on Substack so special is you, my beloved readers. My day is made any time one of you shoots me a comment, or message, or picture, letting me know you baked one of my recipes. It has been such a privilege getting to share such a big part of myself with all of you, and I’m so excited to bake up even more delicious treats in our second year together! Thank you all for supporting, it truly means the world!

I thought it would be nice to put out a festive recipe to commemorate sweet teeth’s birthday—nothing is more celebratory than sprinkles—so I’ve baked up some giant funfetti cookies for us to enjoy. The base is similar to most of my “birthday” flavored desserts: a lot of vanilla, a little lemon, and a splash of almond. I think these would be the perfect treat for someone who isn’t a “cake person,” but still wants their dessert to feel festive. Plus they’re “Big-Ass” so they’re ideal for slicing and sharing at a party!

Thank you for letting me be a bit self-indulgent for a minute. You all mean so much to me, and I can’t wait to share everything I have planned for year two!

THE RECIPE

BIG-ASS BIRTHDAY COOKIES

makes 7 giant cookies, or 28 cookie wedges

Ingredients:

• 2 2/3 cups (341g) all-purpose flour

• 1 tsp (4g) Diamond Crystal kosher salt*

• 3/4 tsp (3g) baking powder

• 1/2 tsp (2g) baking soda

• 1/2 tsp (2g) cream of tartar

• 1 cup (200g) granulated sugar

• 1 tsp (2g) lemon zest, from ~half a large lemon

• 16 tbsp (2 sticks/226g) unsalted butter, softened to room temperature

• 1 large (50g) egg

• 1 tbsp (12g) clear vanilla extract**

• 1/4 tsp (1g) almond extract

• 3/4 cup (143g) rainbow sprinkles

Directions:

1. Preheat & prep: Preheat your oven to 350°. Line two large baking sheets with parchment paper.

2. Whisk together your dry ingredients: In a medium bowl, whisk together your all-purpose flour, salt, cream of tartar, baking powder, and baking soda. Set aside.

3. Make your cookie dough: In the bowl of your stand mixer fit with the paddle attachment, massage the lemon zest into the sugar by rubbing between your fingers to release any oils until it resembles wet sand. Add in your butter and beat on medium-high until light and fluffy, 2-3 minutes. Turn off the mixer, scrape down the sides of the bowl, add in your egg, vanilla, and almond extracts and beat on medium-high for an additional minute. Turn off the mixer, scrape down the sides of the bowl, and add in your dry ingredients. Pulse the mixer until they are fully incorporated.

4. Coat your cookies: Add your rainbow sprinkles to a bowl or container. Using a #8 cookie scoop*** or weighing out 100g balls of dough, portion out your cookies. One at a time, drop the dough balls into the rainbow sprinkles and coat on all sides. Place two cookies on each baking sheet at least 4 inches apart.

5. Bake: Place your two sheets on separate racks and bake until they have just darkened at the edges and are set in the center, 21-24 minutes, swapping the baking sheets halfway through. Allow your baking sheets to cool for at least 10 minutes if reusing them, and repeat Steps 4 and 5 to bake off the remaining cookie dough. Let cookies cool, slice into quarters to share, and enjoy!

6. Leftovers?: Store in an airtight container for up to 5 days.

Notes:

*If you’re using any other type or brand of salt (i.e. Morton, or sea salt), I suggest scaling back by half.
**I like the artificial clear vanilla in these because it emulates that boxed mix birthday cake flavor a little more than the real stuff.
***In a pinch, you can also portion out 1/2 cup worth of the dough into balls.

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